I’m sitting here alone with a bottle of champagne on this Friday night. How ironic, champagne is usually for a celebration yet I’ve had the worst day ever. Lets just say I could use some friends right now…
I feel extremely foolish for what I wrote here about work changing my life and how I felt happy for the first time in as long as I could remember. Now I feel devastated, like my whole world has been destroyed; nothing has ever hurt me more and my heart is broken. As you probably know, I’ve been working in Sydney city for a large multinational corporation as a company secretarial officer. As a casual employee and with my first job out of university, I was led to believe that I would be trained up to take on the permanent role. Today I found out that plans have changed and in the coming weeks I’ll be replaced by an individual with many years of experience in the field. There are a few specific reasons why it hurts so much.
Firstly, I found out that the company never had any intention of hiring me on a permanent basis. It was a policy of upper management that recently came to light. I first found out about this job in March and started in July; for almost six months I was given the impression that I’d have a permanent position. I was continually told how fantastic I was at the role and that the intention was always to train me; my coworkers knew right from the start that it was my first ever serious job. After today’s news I’ve realised that the company merely used me as a casual employee until someone more experienced came along. I’ve been lied to and misled.
I know the business world is extremely competitive and I’m not the only person who has ever encountered this sort of experience. However, the reason I’m so devastated is because this job meant the entire world to me. I’ve never wanted anything more in my whole life. I took this job extremely seriously, I was incredibly motivated to learn, I stayed back late almost every day and to be honest I’ve never ever put so much effort into anything. I surprised myself; as a shy person with major anxieties, liasing with directors, calling randoms on the phone, meeting new people in a large corporate environment and assisting with the running of board meetings, was well out of my comfort zone. I never thought I’d be able to handle such tasks. I tried my hardest not to over analyse and to view criticism as a learning mechanism; this sort of thinking had previously been extremely foreign. I put my heart and soul into this job.It was my whole life. I thought hard work and dedication paid off but I’m no better off.
It was so much more than a job to me; it was the start of my new life; it was my recovery from a very depressing time. I’d been given the world. I felt positive, completely transformed and I was ready to move forward and build a life for myself. I was a different person; I finally though those dark days were behind me. I felt like a success story of depression and anxiety. I used to feel so happy that I’d sing and dance around the house frequently. I’d also drive my husband crazy with my continual conversations about life being wonderful, my years of study being worth it after previously feeling miserable and how grateful I was for the opportunity. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn’t feel like a pathetic, worthless loser with nothing to offer. I was comfortable in myself and with life. For the first six months of this year I used to lie in bed most days and cry continually. The only solace was my blog. I was so depressed. It took everything within me to find the motivation to start work…but once I thought I’d been given a chance, I thrived.
To an extent I am proud of myself. I can walk away knowing that I applied maximum effort at all times and that there’s actually nothing I could have done to get the permanent position. The company secretary was conservative and didn’t want to give a first year out such incredible responsibility. He knew that from the start. It’s frustrating because I finally felt proficient and capable of performing all tasks. I know I wasn’t given a fair chance by this company. If I hadn’t tried so hard, there would have always been a lot of doubts and what ifs present in my mind for eternity. In a strange way it’s satisfying to know I couldn’t have done any more.
Unfortunately it’s a little hard to think like that now; I could honestly cry forever. As a person who struggles to find self worth, this is going to knock me back a lot. My greatest fear now is falling back into a deep depression.
My manager has been wonderful. She was almost as devastated by the news as I am. She said I didn’t do anything wrong, it was rewarding to see my progress and she was impressed by my dedication to the job. If it was up to her, I would have a permanent role for life. She was the first person in a long time who believed in me and made me feel worthy. On the most miserable day of my life, I do feel like I’ve made a life long friend. I just wish I could have had the honor of working with her; I’m going to miss her.
It’s been a difficult day; I certainly have supportive people in my life but not everyone understands. At the moment I don’t want to talk about my long term job prospects or how many weeks I have left in my existing role. I need friends who care about how low I’m feeling right now, who understand how important this was to me and who, in a metaphoric sense, will cry with me. One day I will move on, but that will not be today.